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Friday, June 08, 2007 @ 10:44:00 AM And there's no need to test my heart, With useless space. These roads go on forever. There'll always be a place, For you, In my heart. Stared at the screen for a while, at a blank of where to get around this first. When there's too much to let loose, you find yourself not knowing exactly what to say. Schedule's not been on our side, and I guess you hit a nerve by mentioning neither of us are willing to sacrifice already made plans. It's disheartening and frustrating to initate dates, just to find the other person not having the time to spare. Ironic how our schdelues clash from Sec3 till now. Don't deny that life's been on the fast lane, with additional sessions on figuring out how life works. Sounds cliche, but true. Identity crisis and angsty's been the highlight of the period. Gone through some pretty traumatic stuff right here in nj. Would have loved to tell you about it, remebering you were my ranting machine and our much missed balcony sessions. But the mind's on a different track 'cos I've been out of your life for so long that it doesn't make sense for me to rant to you anymore. Afraid of threading on the thin line between us, afraid of realising how much you've been missing out on my tracks as I have for yours. Sometimes, I tell myself it's ok, we're moving on, but who can say that easily without hitting a sore note or a least bit of wrenching of the heart. At times I would dig out the letters, notes, whatever small things you gave, just to relive that moment again. Too strong for too long, and I can't be without you baby. Felt like I've lost you to time and distance and abhore admitting feeling outcasted from yor life as well. It arised right after probation, right up till sec 4, when I found myself again getting envious when you're out with tammmy and co. Childish for me to rack this up at this point, but I had already lived with the mentality you weren't solely mine anymore. Hated to tell you I'm jealous each time I read something about tammy fanny ssica on your old blog, guess I've learnt to let you go since then. I'm not one to fight, 'cos I'm not confident of winning. If I can't be your eveything, why not I be nothing, nothing to you at all. Had secretly wished you'd come to the same college, where I can finally claim rights over you again but wishes were never meant to be granted. Remembering how you were preoccupied with others during the dec holidays and the nonchalance directed at our choices of colleges just made something die inside. You committed yourself to vj soccer right after holidays start, said you've moved on from the unpleasant memories in stnicks, you never knew I was still at the same spot watching you move on without me. Resigned to asking myself, if the world spins and leaves you with nothing, who would it be to stand right at the same spot as you? Answer used to be obvious, till I reckon I shouldn't stop you from carrying on with life. It was only after your date with me in nj became a date with becca that I decided I should just give up. Why was I not surprised when the same scenario repeat itself on drama night. I was too apathetic, plainly psychoing the reluctant mind to think you've indeed come for her, not me. Sound like a desperate lover here, but I look your picture every now and then, just for times when I would like you to be around. (haha, need serious clarification on the presents part, your bestie's broke half of the time, plus committments elsewhere on someone else. And to be honest, I never did realise I left a page blank in the middle of the slides, human error as a result of doing it late at night perhaps. Or perhaps, space left for you to pen down your appreciations for the pretty slides.) You know you're worth more to me than a present can say. Much more. Not sure how much assurances I can provide already, for I'm not lacking in the insecurities area just the same. Frankly, I wouldn't be doing this if you're that replaceable. Company in nj's scarce, to the point where sanity's threatened. Times I regretted not forcing you to come (though it might not have work, but still), times when I bring you up to the people around, just to feel your presence around a little. It sounds strange yes, but I would scroll down to your contacts in my phone and feel the familiar feeling of calling you every night come back, tinged by nostalgia ever so often, sadness to some extent, but it's wearing off.If I were to tell you all about it, would you listen quietly and empathise like before? So I'll hit the pavement; It's gotta be better than waiting, And pushing you far away, 'Cause I'm scared. Pouring over photographs. I'm living in your letters. Breathe, Deeply from this envelope. It smells like you, And I can't be, Without that scent; It's filling me, With all you mean to me. To me. Guess those lines say it all. Hate to go into mushy weepy details of the i-miss-you process, but reckon, those will be enough for you to understand. Just so you know you're important here. Shall look forward to see you on pop, demand your presence no matter how jetlag you might be. Love. |