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Thursday, June 07, 2007 @ 9:31:00 PM I think I'm drowning Asphyxiated I want to break the spell That you've created I know I was suppose to blog here a while ago. Guess I never got around to it. Our schedules are fairly disastrous, to be fair, neither of us were willing enough to sacrifice already made plans for one another. And I guess you know by now, how much I miss you. Maybe you wonder why I don't mention it on my blog, like my random musings of others, but you know if you miss someone all the time... it doesnt make sense for one to blog about it anymore. I guess I'm getting used to this empty feeling & hopefully one day it wont ache anymore but for now, it still does. Hurrr. I sound so mushly emo. Tsk. Alright, thats all for the mushy stuff, overdoing that makes me cringe & casts me as a overposessive (well at the rate I'm ranting, lover might cut it too but no thank you) friend. I breezed by your 104 entries... hahah was tearing ah. Like you, got the same sense of nostalgia. Rubbishy man. I guess I forgot how much time we used to spend with each other, how much we use to tell each other about most everything, even random things man. Incredibly nonsensical to the max. Havent been back to my own blog archives for good reason, had a more narower perspective as a kid during sec3-4. Sides, you know why too hmmm, too many heartaches for far too often silly a reason. I'm not sure how long can the test of friendship withstand time. I won't rant here how much I feel its a one-sided thing, or how sometimes I get jealous of aiwei (no offence intended really.) cause I understand that life goes on, and that one must move on. Regardless if we like it or not. Remember the slideshow you made for me in sec 4? I never got to tell you why I kept wondering you left a blank slide in the middle of it. & how it was the most incredible-st sweetest thing you have done for me. I held grudes too hahah. Birthday presents that you never got, valentines, christmas. What can I say? I guess I hoped I meant enough for you to get me something, anything even, but never had the courage to tell you. Materialisation of how you felt for me as validity of my worth. Nothing matters much more now. Does it? I'm disappointed in myself, too caught up in my own life in the fast lane to make time/ effort for your birthday present, but justified my excuses with the fact that you didnt bother in the past either. Cel was right in this point, I should never make my friends stand up to my own expectations of myself. Maybe I've failed yours too & never realised it. We havent talked for ages. & I have truckloads to say. I hate begging for free time to call. I hate arranging and rearranging for dates to go out. I hate the fact that msn earlier was disastrous & I got pissed off at you. I hate how one-sided this is. I hate being emotional about you. I hate how you never call, never initiate conversations on msn. I hate losing my pride in trying to get you back. I hate my insecurities when it comes to you. I hate the fact I'm crying now, typing this. In case you're wondering, hmm, no this aint pms-ing, neither is this a spur of the moment. It's a six month long pent up post. & whilst the tone is pretty emotional, am in a extremely apathetic mood by now. You know. I save every other thing you message. Lol. I guess, I need to sort things out myself on my end. I know you love me, so very occasionally when you think about me? I'm actually amused when I say this, please pardon the bitter and sarcastic phrasing. I reckon you'll be super pissed off when you see this though oops. Pretty sure I screwed up the friendship by saying all this, well and decent, but hmmm a quick death is always better than the slow one I'm going through now. Leaving others to wonder who this is, cause am obviously not Sa & if you my dear, fail to recognise, then I've absolutely nothing left to say. Delete this if you want, messaging you to tell you to check first anyway. For tonight, I made my point already. Love. As always. Till later senorita; You're something beautiful A contradiction I'll never let you go If you promise not to fade away |