psychedeliq`

2008-07-13T13:48:00.000+08:00

almostserious.blogspot.com

it's been long.

2008-03-29T11:50:00.004+08:00

tuesday. rain, grandstand, music, memories.

wednesday. so hang me.

thursday. day of the living dead. rabbits are <3

friday. eggtart with face.

friday. a series of random events.

thankyou, to all who bothered, cared and remembered, from one day before to the last minute of it.

& sorry g, sorry for making you cancel that grand dinner plan and reservations and others who had already set time aside for me. <3

'cause I can't live if you're not happy
I can't live if you cry
but I can live without you if it makes you smile

an amazing illusion is made
with trick photography
it seems like you're really, you're really
it feels like you're really here.

2008-03-25T21:42:00.002+08:00

I miss 4Diligence balcony. I remember owning it with Bestie. The viewing gallery and balcony were ours, places to hide when you don't want to see certain things and just a quiet moment to yourself. I remember my birthday celebrations at the balcony, hiding in a corner with the others because we weren't allowed to stay in class for recess, and with our dearest monitor and prefect friend skipping recess duty. I remember listening to dollie sing ever so often, goofy's unconscious retardedness and being a fish in the house wanting to be promoted to a mermaid. I remember polishing boots every thursday and many a times starting my boots on fire in a hopeless attempt at getting it to shine. I remember mugging notes on road safety taken from the basic driving theory book. I remember setting the crime prevention test with partner. I remember loving my squad but not knowing how to balance between disciplining them and getting too close. I remember trying to change things. I remember walking out from my own squad during drills with En. I remember 03 food&funfair, 05 Fiesta, I remember loving blue house. I remember reporting to mrs tan and mrs koh almost everyday for my atrociously low belt, and how my most loved purple ear sticks being confiscated by a prefect I hated called amanda.

Most of all, I remember being happy, very happy, once upon a time.

what happened? what exactly happened?

2008-03-21T15:45:00.001+08:00

edit/

& don't we all wish those smiles never fade?

"One day, I'll marry a man whom I oblige myself to love. He and I will end up finding a way of dreaming of a future together: a house in the country, children, our children's future. We'll barely talk. I will force myself to accept the situation, and I will wonder what's wrong with me, because he no longer takes any interest in me, ignores me, and doesn nothing but talk about his friends, as if they were his real world.

When the marriage is just about to fall apart, I'll get pregnant. We'll have a child, feel closer to each other for a while, and then the situation will go back to what it was before.

I will put on weight and I will start to go on diets, systematically defeated each day, each week, by the weight that keeps creeping up regardless of the controls I put on it. At that point, I'll take those magic pills that stop you feeling depressed, then I'll have a few more children and tell everyone that the children are my reasons for living, when reality my life is their reason for living.

People will always consider us a happy couple, and no one will know how much solitude, bitterness and resignation lies beneath the surface happiness.

Until one day, when my husband takes a lover for the first time and I will perhaps kick up a fuss or think again of killing myself. By then, though, I will be too old and cowardly, with two or three children who need my help, and I'll have to bring them up and help them find a place in the world before I can just abandone everything. I won't commit suicide: I'll make a scene, I'll threaten to leave and take the children with me. Like all men, my husband will back down, he'll tell me he loves me and that it won't happen again. It won't even occur to him that, if I really decide to leave, my only option would be to go back to my parents' house and stay there for the rest of my life, forced to listen to my mother going on and on about how I lost my one opportunity for being happy, that he was a wonderful husband despite his peccadillos, that my two children will be traumatised by the separation.

Two or three years later, another woman will appear in his life. I will find out - because I saw them, or because someone told me - but this time I'll pretend I don't know. I used up all my energy fighting against that other lover, I've no energy left, it's best to accept life as it really is, and not as I imagined it to be.

He will continue being a considerate husband, I will continue my job, reading books I never quite manage to finish, watching television programms that are the same as they were ten, twenty, fifty years ago.

After that, it's a matter of waiting for the children to grow up and of spending all day thinking of suicide, without the courage to do anything about it, One fine day I'll reach the conclusion that that's what life is like, there's no point in worrying about it, nothing will change. And I'll accept it."

At the end of the day, nothing matters, no one matters. There's nothing to believe in.

I guess I saw too perfect a world, too perfect a situation in everything. I forgot everyone's selfish. Who genuinely cares about who? Or is it that whoever moves on faster and easier is the smarter one. Stubborn and naive, that's all my own problem I guess. & nobody will actually care enough to do anything for long because we are afterall selfish people seeking better lives for ourselves, and no, we will never stop our pace in life for another person, no matter how convincing the "I will always be there for you" sounds.

I suppose my life doesn't bother yours anymore, though it isn't true for the reverse. It doesn't matter to anyone, it doesn't affect anyone. At the end of the day only I'd understand how it feels like, because it mattered too much to me.

Sometimes, it's not about not knowing how to let go. It's about holding on to who or what really matters to you. Call me stupid, I guess I am.

Nothing really matters now you know? This emptiness of neither wanting to live nor die because everything that mattered to you has slipped away and you don't know who you are or what you're wasting your energy on each single day. You spend your days fantasizing of alternative realities and living in your world, isolating yourself from the Common World by choice. It doesn't matter anymore. You do strange things just for that instant gratification and slight adrenaline rush to prove you're still existential, like getting nerdy ugly spectacles and concocting a plan to bump into sharon phua just to have a conversation/ confrontation with her, taking another route home, sleeping cowered up in a corner of your room behind the curtains, insisting on having the air con on the bus blow at you until your hands go numb, popping gastric pains pills because you choose not to eat and feel and rather feel the pain. You realise nothing, absolutely nothing matters except that one thing which you can never have, and that leaves you feeling completely powerless, helpless, vulnerable. I bet you don't know how bad it gets, that sometimes I close my eyes and wish everything will be back to how it was when I open them.

有些人，是你永远都放不下的。

2008-03-14T19:17:00.001+08:00

很久以前如果我们
爱下去会怎样
最后一次相信地久天长
曾在你温暖手掌

Fourteenmarch.
I miss.

2008-03-14T11:47:00.004+08:00

能不能再听一次你说爱我　
回到还在你怀里的时候
能不能让我再一次拥有　
曾属于我的温柔

那伤心，原来没有时差。

2008-03-11T19:31:00.004+08:00

Everything is fated.
Thanks for peeling the scab off an unhealed wound.

2008-03-08T18:42:00.002+08:00

When you go
Would you even turn to say
"I don't love you
Like I did
Yesterday"

So say goodbye to the last parade, walk away from the choice you’ve made. And say goodnight to the heart you break.

I said, we'll drown ourselves in misery tonight.

2008-03-07T21:21:00.005+08:00

I'm fucking fed up and confused with everything. I don't know what I want anymore and I don't know how to face myself and those bloody fucking feelings. I get frustrated with myself and with all the pretense I put up. It's not you, it's me. I fucking can't move on with my bloody life and there's nothing I can do anymore 'cos I've tried everything and nothing worked.

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone but there's just too much that time cannot erase. I hate being so vulnerable, abhor each tear that trickled down, detest every slightest hint of that aching in the heart. I don't know why it still bothers me, I don't know why I still give so much of a damn about everything. I don't know why you still matter to me. Everyday it seems like I'm preparing for a mental war the moment I step into school and I'm tired of plastering on a smile to make you think I'm happy now.

Life doesn't become better without you you know, there's a bitterness and void that can't be filled, everything was done for your sake - So you won't worry anymore, so you can finally go enjoy that kind of life you want, without me. But now I get so confused that I don't even know what I want. I don't know what else to do. I don't. I still can't move you outta my mind.

So pardon me, forgive me,
I miss you.

utter rubbish, don't even bother translating it to read.

2008-03-06T20:54:00.002+08:00

I'm starting to believe everything is fated.
It's fated that po and I decide on chicken briyani instead of western stall.
It's fated that po suggested trying something new and sat at the other side of the canteen for the first time in my nj life.
It's fated that I happened to glance over at the hockey pitch and saw you walking to the mimosa place.
I wouldn't have seen anything if we had bought food from western stall and sat at the usual side of the canteen.
It's also fated that at that moment I can't help but feel a familiar ache.

& For the first time after so long, I wished that dream would come true.

Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do.

2008-03-04T19:02:00.003+08:00

Take my hand away
Spell it out
Tell me I was wrong
Tell me I was wrong

I dreamt of you saying you were coming back.
I didn't feel happy, nor sad.
Just empty.

Because I will never get what I want, it's always like that.

Did the 10 months really happen or was it my imagination?
Because, it feels like you were never once mine.

2008-03-02T13:51:00.002+08:00

awesome.
now you know my fetish for lights,
because photography is afterall, light-writing.

2008-02-28T18:23:00.003+08:00

2008-02-23T11:30:00.000+08:00

okay, that's it.
i think i'm really going a bit cranky.

2008-02-23T10:38:00.003+08:00

Because these days aren't easy like they have been once before. These days aren't easy anymore.
And life just passes by so carelessly.

"It doesn't matter what you do or what you don't do, because he's not here anymore, and you're all alone. You're all alone."
-P.S. I Love You.

Wrap me up in a dream with you
Close up these eyes, try not to cry
All that I've got to pull me through is memories of you.

yeah, one day i'll go watch the movie again.

2008-02-16T12:52:00.004+08:00

we should treasure things while we can 'cos,
many things happen only once in our lives.

2008-02-12T23:22:00.000+08:00

We built it up,
To watch it fall.
Like we meant nothing at all.
I gave and gave the best of me,
But couldn't give you what you need.
You walked away,
You stole my life,
Just to find what you're looking for.
But no matter how I try,
I can't hate you anymore.

There's only so many tears that you can cry before it drains the light right from your eyes, and I can't go on that way, so I'm letting go of everything we were.

2008-02-10T12:14:00.000+08:00

No repetition of history; no drama; no getting too close this time round.

Because I can't give you much and neither can you.

So, let's not even try. I know how it will end anyway.

We are, afterall, random people in each other's lives.

You leave your trouble at the door
I feel we don't know what we're fighting for

2008-02-07T14:14:00.000+08:00

2008-02-06T23:46:00.000+08:00

We tell white lies, to make things a little easier for people to handle.

Lung cancer, terminal stage;

speechless.

well you'd like to think that you were invincible
yeah, well weren't we all once before we felt lost for the first time?

5 glasses of red wine; I guess I drank too much.
Head's spinning and nearly crashed into the fishtank.
But damn, I'm troubled.

aiweipolieohsan. lurrrrrb.

so you've changed everything possible, but is there really a need to.
why do superficiality?

2008-02-05T23:03:00.000+08:00

想念是会呼吸的痛
它活在我身上所有角落
哼你爱的歌会痛
看你的信会痛连沉默也痛

遗憾是会呼吸的痛
它流在血液中来回滚动
后悔不贴心会痛
恨不懂你会痛
想见不能见最痛

每看你脸上张扬过哀伤
那是种多么寂寞的倔强
你拆了城墙让我去流浪
在原地等我把自己捆绑

我发誓不再说谎了
多爱你就会抱你多紧的
我的微笑都假了灵
魂像飘浮着你在就好了
我发誓不让你等候
陪你做想做的无论什么
我越来越像贝壳
怕心被人触碰
你回来那就好了

能重来那就好了

2008-02-05T18:37:00.000+08:00

从前的我们哭着笑着
都总是两个人
后来的我们就连招呼
都有一点陌生
从前的我们哭着笑着
都相信会永恒
后来的我们为什么不能

So every now and then I'd type your number just to feel the familiar feeling, and type a message which I would not send. Often I'd come over your random scribblings on my notes, and pause for a moment to remember when you had written it. Everything's the same as when you left, I'm still the same. Perhaps a tad more quiet, and coming to better terms with this. I have learnt to accept the purple pencil as another stationery in my pencil case, and today's the first day I took your nametag and badge out of my pencil case. Causeway point with polie today, and I am amazed how the memories flow back so easily. Nostalgia, and a funny pain at a funny place I can't pinpoint. I still dream of you, every night in fact. It leaves me disoriented when I wake up. Funny how I can't remember maths/physics/chem equations but I can remember almost everything you said. Finish your _______ (insert name of food), don't let it die in vain. So I did and finished my prawns in my tom yum soup. Try not to cry if your mood permits. And I sucked back those useless fluid so no one can see. Silly goose.

Ignore what I wrote, it probably doesn't make much sense and relevance. Just another of those days again.

If I had only one wish
I'd want a million trillion life times I can spend with you.
I'd fall in love with you over and over again.

it's been long, friend.

2008-02-03T00:08:00.000+08:00

Life takes your dreams and turns them upside down, friends talk about you when you're not around.
People make promises they just can't keep, and I've come to realize that talk is cheap.
Too often we don't realize what we have until its gone.
Too often we wait too long to say "I'm sorry, I was wrong".
Sometimes it seems we hurt the ones we hold dearest to our hearts.
And we allow foolish things to tear our lives apart.

2008-02-02T12:50:00.000+08:00

again, not again.

take one step and take two back, how far did you move?

hopeful, hopeless, awake, asleep, the cycle repeats itself like a sick merrygoround ride.

curtains are amazing, they do a glorious job of masking the time of the day.

ambivalence - Psychology. the coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions.

aim straight for the heart, it's faster than this.

there are at least two people in this world that you would die for.

every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep.

dependence; the one single thing to paralyse the senses.

horrified that you might have really lied, tell me is it a possibility?

so tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures and overanalyze your words. but the truth is that I've never fallen so hard, it's taken everything in me just to forget your sweater so far.

I will breathe in a moment, as long as I keep my distance.

So don't go worrying about me, it's not like I think about you constantly. So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect, your life anymore. I knew it the moment you walked into the door.

all hail; the heartbreaker.

You taught my heart a sense I never knew I had.

"最幸福的人，往往是拥有做多选择的人。
离开你最后一刻，我有很多选择。
选择静静地看着你，但是也只能静静地看着你。
选择让两个人有着最心动的距离，但是也只能隔着一寸空气。
选择对你诚实，却又怕诚实会破坏你的笑容。
原来我根本没得选，只能在离开的最后让你记得我曾经为你努力过。

当你相信一个人的眼神，就会开始有很多勇气。
这些眼泪会掉下来，
也是因为相信。

生命里有太多时候，要接受不能接受的事。
接受小姐为了幸福不断努力，
却不能接受一直守护的爱情，渐渐消失而去。
接受凡事要说实话，却不能接受真正的实话."

2008-02-01T20:44:00.000+08:00

We are under the skyline
Through the sirens and flashing lights
You told me "It's no use to try anymore,
Does it mean that much to you?"

愛的最高境界是經得起平淡的流年.
chinese songs have a way of leaving you completely devastated.

2008-02-01T14:44:00.000+08:00

I reached home at 1.50 pm today. The earliest in my entire jc life.
Being home alone sucks, I knew I lost that ability to stay sane alone ages ago.
My rooms smells funny, I don't know why. It smells like the past and old memories. Hello room, it's time to move on and quit smelling like that.

Having my character sucks, I create unnecessary trouble for myself. Quotes bestie, "you're too hopeful about what's around you, relationships, class etc, but on the flipside you're a pessimist when it comes to your future." see what I mean by she knows everything when I don't need to explain anything at all. NJ promised too much hope in the beginning, it promised a brilliant jc life, a class to die for, and the right to be a little arrogant because you know you're entitled to it. In the end it collapsed bit by bit, leaving only some debris for you to weep over. Friends promised too much, everything from friends forever scribbled over primary school autograph books to the meaningless friendships built solely on the foundations of seeking company. PAE s18 faded away a long time ago, but we still refuse to accept that. It promised too much, so much that I decided to stay put in NJ when clearly knowing only a miserly 10+ people could stay. It promised friends who'll always be there, but many coulnd't even stand the test of time and distance. TG promised company that could make most people green with envy, but how ironic it is when people start fading away because there are better opportunities else where. And the worst part is, we became complete strangers after that. How much is friendship really? It sounds quite cheap don't you think. Love, needless to say, promised even more beautiful things, but in the end it all returned to nothingness, a void that can't be filled and the feeling of chill running right through your heart on a hot sunny day. You will learn that breathing will become harder and harder, because it's too painful to even do that.

Because I was too hopeful over everything.
That's why,
it hurts so much now.

You said I was too naive for my own good, I guess you're right.

I don't know how many unrelated/ purely curious/ gossipy eyes are reading all these stuff now, but it doesn't really matter anymore. To those who sincerely tried to make things better for me, I thank you for being there, for bearing with my lousy face and even lousier mood. & to those who are purely interested because you're too gossipy for your own good, take what you want and do whatever you want with it, I've long ceased to care.

Perhaps it's time to remain silent over some things, and swallow your own bitterness. I see no point in telling you about those stuff anymore.

在你的身后时间把过去都带走
时间把镜头带走不假思索回忆不放手
好想再跟你牵着手牵着曾有过的温柔
哭过以后眼泪还是不停的流

The world may mean nuts to you, but you may mean the world to someone else.
Something meaningful from hongjie's blog, when he isn't talking about computer games etc.

2008-01-28T22:52:00.000+08:00

无奈
在转角之后扣上故事门锁.

2008-01-17T19:40:00.000+08:00

"Believe in truth, beauty, freedom, and above all things, love."
Moulin Rouge.

I started off 2008 with the motivation to study, I don't know what happened from then till now.
I started off wanting my 4 As and the drive to work for it, but I don't know what has happened to that as well.
At some point in time I found myself thinking it's alright to just give up. It's okay if you don't realise that dream of majoring arts in Cambridge or Stanford, it's okay if you don't even get into NUS. Dreams are dreams, reality is another thing.
And other times when I'm my more sober self, I feel scared at even having those thoughts.
I don't know why I'm so bloody unmotivated now and why I'm still stuck in the era of The O Levels and PAE 2007.
It's time to move on, your life can't stay at that moment forever. It can't stay at the moment when you got your 7 points for ever. Tired drilling it into my mind, very often so, but it just can't get through.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
:(

Sometimes I feel like going back to stnicks just to talk to Mrs Goh or Mrs Koh. How did they manage to make us all so inspired during our sec4 days.

& I remember Mrs Koh saying we'll all realise how protected we are in stnicks only after we leave the school. I think she's right.

The Gray batch, a long time has passed indeed.

I shall stop procrastinating and go do my econs essay now.

2008-01-13T12:12:00.000+08:00

"Alright you win but I only give you one night,
To prove yourself to be better than my attempt at flight.
I swear to God if you hurt me I will leap.
I will toss myself from these very cliffs,
And you'll never see it coming."

"Settle precious, I know what you're going through.
Because ten minutes before you got here I was gonna jump too."

Yeah, we all flirt with the tiniest notion,
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion.
See the trick is that you are never supposed to act on it.
No matter how unbearable this misery gets.

2008-01-12T20:53:00.000+08:00

"Because I kind of miss those days all the way back in primary one where random people in the canteen would go up to you and say, can I be your friend?

And, you always say yes."

but the irony of the story is when I fell to my knees and began clawing at the dirt in front of the tombstone of my bashful childhood, with you by my side, you're screaming at the top of your lungs, "let it go".

2008-01-08T21:33:00.000+08:00

I'm tired. Very so.
Sometimes no one's to blame, only yourself.

2008-01-07T22:58:00.000+08:00

MELISSA REYES SHOULD HAVE WON :X

2008-01-05T09:30:00.000+08:00

If you decide to have a blog bear in mind anything on the internet is free and open for anybody to view so there's no such thing as privacy. If you want privacy, go write a diary instead and put 10 locks on it so your mommy won't be reading it when you're not around. And if privacy is really so important to you, make your blog password protected and stop whining about people viewing your blog because it happens and quit making a fuss out of it. Alternatively, if you want to remain anonymous, exercise some common sense and do not put your name, whatever kindergarten to whatever jc you went to, etc etc so nobody will know the stuff is yours.

Otherwise, if you have not done anything of the above,
don't be so naive to think the only patron to your blog is yourself, and shut up about it when people view your blog because afterall, you chose to have an open and inviting blog.

So as it is, I have not gotten over the whole entire blog thing since way back in sec1.

2008-01-04T19:00:00.000+08:00

But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like is was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

study, yes study.
it's the only thing you know is right.

2008-01-01T10:24:00.000+08:00

cause the flash was too blinding, haha.

big foot :D

you're deep in thoughts, hmm.

& I don't look like a ghost here!

star light star bright

311207
stars;musique;sea;love :D
& better CPR skills, haha.
"my dinner's coming out!"

HAPPY NEW YEAR! :D
goodbye 07, hello two zero zero eight.

2007-12-29T19:04:00.000+08:00

freaking cute thing :D

"In all stories of love there is always something that moves us closer to eternity and the essence of life because the stories of love hold within all the secrets in the world." -Paulo Coelho

now we know :)

2007-12-28T14:24:00.000+08:00

"we'll both forget the breeze, most of the time.

because of this i have been having bad dreams, not nightmares, just bad dreams. of, things. i don't want to remember anything anymore. i want to be unoriginal & pretend i'm dandy gay. so you have to promise one more thing. you'll have to promise not to keep your word. cos only then, will i be convinced that in the first place, it was always unintended. & we were both looking for separate playgrounds to swing around in, someplace finally too dark, cos it was too late. it always was.

& so it is, just like you said, it would be."

jaslene's love.

2007-12-28T10:48:00.000+08:00

pretty satin curtains & crystal balls :D

2007-12-27T14:50:00.000+08:00

2007-12-23T15:06:00.000+08:00

terrible dream :(

2007-12-16T11:38:00.000+08:00

I’d take another chance
take a fall
take a shot for you

The sky's nice shade of blue today. Let's go there and have a picnic on the clouds, just me and you. I'd make you a hockey stick from the clouds :)

2007-12-09T17:43:00.000+08:00

eeyore does smile :)

2007-12-09T12:40:00.000+08:00

Woke up this morning feeling like how i felt on the day of the release of psle results - knowing i had screwed up the papers and not to expect too much but can't help hoping for some extra kindness from whatever holy forces. It's a kind of dread and the primitive instinct of wanting to escape the ordeal by any possible means and yet unable to move away, because it sucks you right in.

I've decided that i'll leave everything to fate, meaning i'd let stubborness and headstrong-ness take a backseat, let nature take its course. Because reflecting on everything that happened in my life, i realised if things were to happen it will happen eventually. You can do all you can to prevent something from happening and to change the ending, but if it wasn't fated to work out, it will never do no matter how hard you try. I was wrong to actually think you control your life, because everything else controls your life and not you.

I don't know if it's better to be this way. It makes life easier yes, because you take whatever that comes and accept it. Yet it's tough, as you find yourself slowing letting go of that i-dominate-my-life-and-i-live-my-way kind of fierceness and guts.

sweet november, my favourite movie.
i've been trying to find the vcd so i can watch with you. i guess this is the best i can manage.

come what may.

2007-12-08T19:59:00.000+08:00

eeyore never look happy, why? :(
i wish i will see a smiling eeyore someday.

2007-12-08T12:21:00.000+08:00

I like digging out past school diaries and reading the many nonsense in it.
天将降大任于斯人也，必先苦其心志，
劳其筋骨，饿其体肤，空乏其身，行弗，
乱其所为，所以动心忍性，增益其所不能
this is something which my chinese teacher wrote on the board and i copied it down because there's the slimest of chance to quote it in compositions/bao zhang du hou gan.

"The earth wire to an electric toaster should be connected to the toast."
this is probably the reason why my physics suck, because i connect my earth wire to my toast.

"France vs Switzerland 0-0
brazil vs croatia 1-0
spain vs ukraine 4-0"
my june holiday pages were filled with world cup fixtures and scores. my dad did an amazing job of forcing me to watch & recording down the scores just to predict who will emerge champion. He guessed germany, I rooted for france.

Newater labels that i tore off from the bottle and pasted in the diary.
because it was limited edition and i couldn't bear to throw away.

"chansey is the cutest, jigglypuff is silly."
I forgot when I started debating on this kind of things with priscilla, but i was determined to make her like jigglypuff.

"中三辩论决赛
中三勤 VS 中三纯
venue: hall, assembly period."
i do debate, chinese debate :D and i did not make a fool of myself on stage.

etcetcetc.

being young is good, you do things without giving a second thought, without caring about how others will think. i might not have agree to appear in xiang's super tight fitting cheongsum in front of the whole cohort for a class skit if it was to happen again. i might not have agree to join talentime and dance in mismatched socks on stage if it was to happen again. but those things make the best memories, and those are things that will only happen when you're still young.

如果有一天我们再见面
时间会不会倒退一点
也许我们都忽略
互相伤害之外的感觉
如果哪一天我们都发现
好聚好散不过是种遮掩
如果我们没发现
就给彼此多一点时间

2007-12-04T14:08:00.000+08:00

Could you let down your hair
Be transparent for awhile, just a little while
To see if you're human after all.

because I can't find the words to lead you into my heart.
because I rather kill myself than to let it kill you.
because I'm only human, you know?

2007-12-03T00:20:00.000+08:00

old photos, for the times that won't come by again.

Because these words are never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay

2007-11-30T13:01:00.000+08:00

You're in my arms
And all the world is gone
The music playing on
For only two
So close togehter
So close to reaching
That famous happy and
Almost believing
This one's not pretend
Now you're beside me

I like movies like that, make you all happy and believing in happily ever after once again. I WANT TO SEE A REAL PRINCESS TOO.

I like things that can keep me warm when i'm freezing. Meaning, I like my blanket, my jacket, my hamsters, and you :)

2007-11-26T15:57:00.000+08:00

A love struck Romeo, sings in the streets a serenade
Laying everybody low, with a love song that he made
Finds a street light, steps out of the shade
'n says something like, "You and me babe, how about it?"

Juliet says, "Hey it's Romeo, you nearly gave me a heart attack"
He's underneath the window, she's singing, 'Hey la, my boyfriend's back
You shouldn't come around here, singing up at people like that'
Anyway, what you gonna do about it?

Juliet, the dice was loaded from the start,
And I bet, then you exploded in my heart,
And I forget, I forget, the movie song
When you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?

Come up on different streets, they both were streets of shame,
Both dirty, both mean, yes, and the dream was just the same,
And I dreamed your dream for you, and now your dream is real
How can you look at me as if I was just another one of your deals?

When you can fall for chains of silver, you can fall for chains of gold
You can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold
You promised me everything, you promised me thick and thin, yeah
Now you just say, "Oh Romeo, yeah, you know I used to have a scene with him"

Juliet, when we made love you used to cry
You said "I love you like the stars above, I'll love you till I die"
There's a place for us, you know the movie song
When you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?

I can't do the talks, like they talk on the TV
And I can't do a love song, like the way it's meant to be
I can't do everything, but I'll do anything for you
I can't do anything 'cept be in love with you

And all I do is miss you and the way we used to be
All I do is keep the beat, 'n bad company
And all I do is kiss you, through the bars of a rhyme
Juliet, I'd do the stars with you, anytime

what the hell's wrong with me.

2007-11-24T14:29:00.000+08:00

I'ma show you how to get your shine on.

2007-11-20T11:50:00.000+08:00

The Mothman Prophecies makes me dizzy.
Friendster makes me go ha-ha-ha.

Thoughts read are spoken, forever in doubt.
And pieces of memories fall to the ground.

Tu me manques,tu es dans toutes mes pensées.
Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît point.
:)

2007-11-13T13:57:00.000+08:00

I want you to shoot me one day.
Remember to aim straight for the heart.

2007-11-10T19:49:00.000+08:00

photo courtesy of dearest bestie.
i'd trade anything to have you around,
to take you away from a place that let you down so many times.

2007-11-10T11:06:00.000+08:00

Now Hit Da Dance Floor
Now Bend Your Back Low
She Do It Wit No Hands
Now Stop Pop And Roll
Im Smokin Bubba Hoe
Now Ya'll In Trouble Hoe
I Like Da Way She Move
An Undercover Hoe

talk with ya gangsta slang & show yer bling.
get down with da hoes and holla yo.

Trash songs.

I hate you because I see a part of myself in you.

2007-11-09T10:18:00.000+08:00

:D

there's nothing much in the things said,
but everything is in the words left unspoken.

2007-11-06T21:19:00.000+08:00

Life plays you out once again.
I resign.

allyssa, get a grip on yourself.

2007-11-06T10:55:00.000+08:00

Christian Louboutin
AW07 bow pumps.

sexy.

stnicks red cheer, i like :D
miss sports day, gah.

2007-11-05T22:09:00.000+08:00

I like yellow Fox's candies.
I like green hair ties.
I like random models as front page for my school diary.
I like messy i-just-got-out-of-bed hair.
I like the smell of the rain.
I like sunny breezy days with big big clouds.
I like lemon flavour lollipops.
I like mascara.
I like pretty things.
I like you too.
do you know that already?

2007-11-04T22:13:00.000+08:00

我站在教室门口的小角落
偷偷看着你可爱的笑容
你就像天上的云朵我好想变成彩虹

橘子汽水的香味飘在空气中
你嘴角的奶油看的我好心动
我和你的默契有种节奏
牵着我的心跳跟你走

就这样牵着你一直走(这路没有尽头)
就是喜欢你偷喵着我(的害羞)
让我紧紧牵着你的手望着星空
直到我们心灵相通

就这样牵着你一直走(这次绝不放手)
我会努力变成属于你(的流星)
帮你实现心底所有的期待的愿望
不管四季变化我的心意不隐藏
天空突然下起了一场大雨
我该不该现在送你回去
不想打断你给的甜蜜
干脆就让我陪你淋雨

so sweet :D
OP tmrw, meaning end of pw. YAY. But I like my group :)

random week random events
#1 looking at hwachong touch ruggers made me miss bus 66.
#2 retarded bus driver made me miss another 66. so i took 40mins to finally get onto that bus.
#3 polieeeeoh missed my 66. so in total we missed 3 66s.
#4 random dream last night: polie&i were being shot in school by random cleaners. for full story, ask me or her.

queasy stomach, rarw.

2007-10-29T21:30:00.000+08:00

After awhile you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean possession
and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine
burns if you get too much so you plant your
own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

2007-10-20T12:35:00.000+08:00

very random photos from earlier days. these are the more presentable ones, haha. there you go dear, I don't always blog sad things :) (there is one ugly one but I'm not going to show you, haha)

把岁月铺成红毯
见证我们的极限
心疼一句珍藏万年
誓言就该比永远更远
要不是沧海桑田
真爱怎么会浮现

I used to like this song for some reasons for a period. Hated it, and back to liking it again.

my dear baby cot:
i wish, you'd be happy. always.

2007-10-17T17:34:00.000+08:00

Bestie:

Your entry got me very very depressed. I hope life gets better for you, I hope you can runaway from the numbness, I hope you can be happy. I really really feel like bringing you away to some sunny little place without anyone else and we could spend the rest of our lives talking laughing having fun. Many things you said strike some chord somewhere, finding linkages between those stuff and myself. Guess our lives are pretty similar in some ways, despite the distance. Have been missing balcony sessions. Really badly. 4Dee balcony brings a lot of memories you know. From the very cannot make it 4some birthday celebration to your cannot make it birthday song on guitar to attempting to throw cel’s shoes down to emo-ing sessions. Constant reminiscing if the past makes me feel like I’ve suddenly grown old by a lot. You know, like how old ladies always sit on their rocking chair thinking about her days when she was young. The bad thing with NJ is you can’t find a place to emo at all without teachers or others walking past asking if you’re alright. Think viewing gallery, think np room. Those were ours.

Having issues with myself recently. My perception of myself is constantly being challenged. I hope you were around to tell me if I am still the old me, I hope you were around to remind me of the past which made me who I am. Because, many times, too many times, I tend to forget myself. Accepting what others want of me, coming to terms to changes, I wish I was better at it like Lindo Jong.

& yes, we give away our hearts & get our hearts broken, until there is nothing more left to give to anyone, nothing more left to feel. But just who’s to blame, we do it all too willingly, too tempted by the prospect of forever, too selfish. And just to realize, forever is a lie.

Bestie, aiwei, shann. Different people, all the same stuff. Is it some kind of strange trend? & myself, haven’t I had the same wretched feeling time after time.

2007-10-16T19:28:00.000+08:00

I see things that I do not understand. I have 3 ways to go abut handling it:
1. keep the stuff in mind, read it over and over again, try to read between the lines & dig out the meanings hidden somewhere.
2. ignore it.
3. ask the person related.

number 1 is tiring, and I always tend to read the worst of all meanings.
number 2 is good, provided you have a bad memory and the nonchalancy to not be bothered.
number 3, well, I don't know. the answer you get may not be the truth. you know, white lies are suppose to prevent people from getting hurt.

so, how?

:(

Cold. very very cold.

2007-10-10T14:30:00.000+08:00

"I know this, because I was raised the Chinese way: I was taught to desire nothing, to swallow other people's misery, to eat my own bitterness. I know how it is to be quiet, to listen and watch. You can close your eyes when you no longer want to watch. But when you no longer want to listen, what can you do?" -AnMei Hsu, Magpies.

life, is laughable, but laughing hurts(you got a weak stomach). party like you're the star(the piggy dances around felix), snapping photos like the moment will last forever(piggy and felix tgt), laugh like there's nothing more funny you've heard(hahahhhahhhaha), love like you've never had your heart broken(creak), cry(sobs), breaking the floodgate like having all emotions let loose(swwwwiiiiisssshhhhhh).
I know what's carefree(whisper, kotex, lorry).
I know what's like being in the limelight and having the attention everyone dreamt of having.(party like a rock star)
I know what's the meaning of being spoilt for choices.(ehhh, sakae chicken rice or swensens floats)
I know how it feels to be loved.(yea, you're always love by everyone, and i mean EVERYONE)
I also know how it feels when everything slips away, and feeling like watching it from across the shore.(johor bahru and singapore?)
I know how it feels to throw your hands up and walk away from life, knowing perfectly well you will be imprisoned with the memories of the good times.(I SURRENDERRRRr!)
I know how it is to be doubted by everyone, to have even the closest person in your life thinking you like loneliness.(you good you win hmph)
Take me to heaven, and throw me down from above, I won't stand to lose everything bit by bit so take everything away at one go.(this sounds familiar)
I know very well, what goes around comes around, and luck drains away.(justin timberlake, my idol.. wooooo)
I know.
Do you?(yes i do)
Whoever told me walking in the rain is refreshing is an idiot. I don't feel refreshed at all.(fine, i'm the one who told you that. so i'm an idiot now? that explains for everything written above)
Queenmother of the western skies tells one not to lose their innocence, because enlightenment is the root to all grieve, but who's not forced to shed it. If you learn to caution against evil, does it mean you've turned evil too? And who will know how to laugh forever, living life like life's never let you down before.(well, it never did =))

random entry, don't take anything to heart.
c'est la vie, looking forward to party the night away with TG which I somehow succeeded in asking them to crash. & shopping for clothes would be fun fun fun :)

2007-10-07T13:03:00.000+08:00

“If things could be perfectly fine simply by choosing not to dwell on them, would that be justification enough for our doing so? Subjecting anything to closer scrutiny inevitably results in the unveiling of its flaws. Why look for faults where there appear to be none? Or is this nothing more than a feeble attempt at disguising an inherently escapist mindset?” -Bestie's Very Damn Cool Mortal.

I had too much time, so I looked at too much things.
ROAR.

Summer heat
boy and girl meet
but uh-oh those summer nights

2007-10-06T10:55:00.000+08:00

RULES OF THIS GAME:
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesnt make sense. NO CHEATING!
4. Tag 5 ppl at their tagboard to ask them to do this!
5. Bold the questions and with the answers, give your own comments on how it relates to the questions.

1. How are you feeling today?
Holidae Inn - Chingy

yea, dancey holidaey mood! -hoodies- :D

2. Will you get far in life?
Everything I'm not - The Veronicas

haha, I will get far in life if I be everything I'm not?

3. Will you get married?
Pieces - Sum 41

One line goes "I'm better off on my own". whaddaya think.

4. What is your best friend’s theme song?
Emotionaless - Good Charlotte

bestie I hope this song doesn't apply to you, you should be at the peak of passion now :D

5. What is the story of your life?
Mosh - Eminem

trying to change the world? haha, used to be, until the world won.

6. What was primary school like?
Scandalous - Mis-Teeq

haha! if you count random body parts talk with 2 very pervertic sitting partners.

7. How can you get ahead in life?
Rumours - Lindsay Lohan

a little bit of a bitch to get ahead of others. waverly jong taught me that in sec3, thankyou.

8. What is the best thing about your friends?
S Club Party - S Club 7

yayyyy they are all party animals! (okay sidetrack, I'm looking forward to C'est La Vie! Dance po dance :D)

9. What is in store in this weekend?
Shakin In Da Club - Yo Gotti

out clubbing yo, and felix's gonna holla at me yo.

10. What song describes you?
Far Away - Nickleback

haha! in my own happy little world, the only idiot who's the last to know things.

11. How is your life going?
Murder I Wrote - Halifax

yea yea, I kill with pens and words.

12. What song will they play at your funeral?
Pass That Dutch - Missy Elliott

start dancing at my funernal everyone! mygawd what a scene.

13. How does the world see you?
Everybody Doesn't - Tata Young

everybody doesn't see me?!

14. What do your friends really think of you?
Public Affair - Jessica Simpson

I'm a public affair? well. i'd like it private, sir.

15. Do people secretly lust after you?
Buy You A Drink - T-pain

right, buy me a drink if you lust after me, haha!

16. How can you make yourself happy?
Breathe Easy - Blue

it makes me happy cos I have perpetual nose block.

17. Will you ever have children?
Puke - Eminem

I will probably puke a lot when I'm pregnant. pass the sour plum, dear.

2007-08-31T13:19:00.000+08:00

Why do I even bother to look through the orientation photos.
Why did I forget the reason for promising never to go back to those photos again.

zounds.

because you never told me I was good enough.

2007-07-13T19:36:00.000+08:00

It's not always easy to pack up the memories and discard them in the mental rubbish bin. It's not good anyway, because you can never consciously instruct the mind to wash away certain parts of the rolls of film. Nothing left to be consciously forgotten can be really wiped out. The mind just condones off that particular area with police tapes, guarding off any careless attempts at inquisite probing. It's not untouchable, it's just advisable not to, simply because there were much mental causalties sustained from the bounded off area. But, not like staring at it from the outside is any better.

What have I gotten myself into, some unsolvable puzzle with a missing piece.

2007-07-09T21:16:00.000+08:00

I wondered if that's how forgiveness budded, not with the fanfare of epiphany but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night.

2007-07-08T14:53:00.000+08:00

as we grow up,we learn that even the one person that wasnt suppose to let you down probably will.you will have your heart broken probably more than once and its harder every time.you'll break hearts too,so remember how it felt when yours was broken.you'll fight with your best friend.you'll blame a new love for things an old one did.you'll cry because time is passing too fast,and you'll eventually lose someone you love.so take too many pictures,laugh too much,and love like you've never been hurt,because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

gotten it somewhere.

so what's the point anyway, it's not always happily ever after.

2007-07-03T19:20:00.000+08:00

Thoughts. Do you control them or do they somehow fiendishly derail the spectrum of the norm?

Got up on the wrong side of life today yeah
Crashed the car and I'm gonna be really late
My phone doesn't work cause it's out of range
Looks like it's just one of those kind of days

2007-07-02T10:58:00.000+08:00

New skin, minus the tagboard and all things frivolous, not out of contempt for such but rather the sudden deprivation of simplicity. So there you go, approach me if you need to comment, or find alternative outlets (there should exist quite a number). Numerous attempts at keeping the tagboard for bestie's sake but it's giving me hell to maneuver the codes into fitting with the layout. Realise patience is running dry with blogger and friendster. Oh well.

2007-06-29T17:28:00.000+08:00

Post common tests.
& I'm contended with life.
today was fun with you, yes you :)

Turn the lights down low, make the world go slow.

2007-06-23T07:56:00.000+08:00

how much is silence ?
it depends
really, if they are
the more fragile ones or
the ones the hardest to break,
to take.

ex counsellor, i miss you. probably you won't even see this, but i miss you still. sometimes i wonder why you left so abruptly, and leave me to get over things myself. but i reckon independence can be taught afterall.

just random musings early in the morning, don't stereotype it as yet another attempt at pretentious emotional rollercoastering :) all is fine, and i'm happy and contended to say the least. i like a morning like this. especially when i know i'm moving on with stuff which i should done so long ago. ain't gonna let nobody's drama bother me, so i'll pay my own fun :)

alright, this post is happy. HAPPY. when was the last time i had a happy post. so there, people, allyssa is happy (again) :)

ciao.

ps. BESTIE'S BACK IN TOWN! BESTIE BESTIE, THAT WASN'T A WELCOME MESSAGE, I HADN'T EXPECT YOU TO EVEN SEE IT. haha. so there you go, WELCOME BACK MISS BAEY XIANGLING AKA MY DEAR BESTIE! :D cure that jetlag, and update me soon about the UN that pissed you off so much :) I'M SO JEALOUS OF YOU, haha, but yes, i love you still.

2007-06-21T09:53:00.000+08:00

17 signs that you like someone

SEVENTEEN:
YOU LOOK AT THEIR PROFILE/PICTURE
CONSTANTLY

SIXTEEN:
WHEN YOUR ON THE PHONE WITH THEM LATE
AT NIGHT AND THEY HANG UP, YOU STILL
MISS THEM EVEN WHEN IT WAS JUST TWO
MINUTES AGO.

FIFTEEN:
YOU READ THEIR TEXTS or IMS OVER AND
OVER AGAIN.

FOURTEEN:
YOU WALK REALLY SLOW WHEN YOU'RE WITH
THEM

THIRTEEN:
YOU FEEL SHY WHENEVER YOU'RE/THEY'RE
AROUND.

ELEVEN:
WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT THEM, YOUR HEART
BEATS FASTER AND SLOWER AT THE SAME
TIME

TEN:
YOU SMILE WHEN YOU HEAR THEIR VOICE.

NINE:

WHEN YOU lOOK AT THEM, YOU CAN'T SEE
THE OTHER PEOPLE AROUND YOU, All YOU
SEE IS HIM//HER.

EIGHT:
YOU START LISTENING TO SLOW SONGS,
WHILE
THINKING OF THEM

SEVEN:
THEY'RE ALL YOU THINK ABOUT.

SIX:
YOU GET HIGH JUST FROM THEIR SCENT.

FIVE:

YOU REALlIZE THAT YOU'RE AlWAYS SMILING
TO YOURSELF WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT THEM.

FOUR:
YOU WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR THEM, OR
ANYTHING TO SEE THEM.

THREE:

WHILE READING THIS, THERE WAS ONE
PERSON
ON YOUR MIND THE WHOLE TIME...

TWO:
You were so busy thinking about that
person, you didnt notice number twelve
was missing

ONE:

You just scrolled up to check & are now
silentely laughing at yourself.

:D yeap, so this is for you.

2007-06-20T10:28:00.000+08:00

sometimes you just like to do stupid things,
like posting a msg meant for someone on your pm when you know that the person may not see it at all
like putting lyrics up on your blog when you know tht the person may not even read it at all
like having a private blog and posting the link up your public blog
like listening to emo songs knowing the fact that they will get you all emo
like liking someone and refusing to even look at that person when he talks to you
like talking to your teddy bear knowing that it will never reply
like claiming that you like another person when he is all that matters to you
like telling him that i dont love you when all you think of all day is just him
and sometimes, you just wish that you dont care at all, but you know you cant.

Ripped off from jiehui.

I do(did) 7/8 of the above mentioned, so I am someone who really like doing stupid stuff.

So much for not blogging till cts are over, ha.

2007-06-17T10:40:00.000+08:00

This will be the last post before common tests.

I love the night.
I abhor each tear that trickled down.
So, I hate crying in the night.
I have been thinking.
But I think I should stop thinking.
Because there's nothing more to think, nothing more to fathom.

你不是爱我
你是爱上我爱你。

2007-06-16T20:40:00.000+08:00

breezed by your 135 posts.
i feel like laughing at myself.

2007-06-16T19:53:00.000+08:00

Musing of the day: sleep is an interesting thing, it makes you forget the world around you temporarily and exit into a wholely private dimension. Sometimes I lie in bed, pretending to be asleep, just so I don’t have to face the reality.

I have come to a conclusion that I’m a hopeless romantic and hedonist with pride. Henceforth I don’t belong to planet earth. I should have been born a Martian or a cow for that matter (not that cows are really romantic pertaining to that issue). Point is, was never cut out for a thing called human, much less a human around other possibly holier-than-thou and down to earth fellow species. It didn’t take me long to realize I have issues with myself and the surroundings in general. Not once was I being told my thought were airy-fairy, building sandcastles in the air, total poppycock coming from an obscured and puerile mind. Keep those away, if you want to fit in, learn to grow up and sprout profound sensible logics, so people will respect you. Master the law of the jungle : do to others, or get done. Ha, welcome to the real world, you’ve been warned. So I’m more intuitive than sensing, but what’s wrong with that. So I’m too dreamy and living in my own bubblegum world sugared by saccharine and all things sweet, but so? And even if I come across to you as unrealistic, so what? Good gracious and congratulations, you’ve just met an entirely different specie from yourself, isn’t that nice, we should all celebrate diversity. Maybe now I know why I can never play chess, whether Chinese chess or international chess, because I was never wired to have the ability to scheme and get ahead of others. Or more point blank, I’m a laggard that those, not that I see it as a pity, really. I’m once upon a time contended with myself, happily being different because I was too young to make anyone realize my difference anyway. Sad how things change when you least expect them to, or having made a conscious effort, just to see it slipping away eventually.

Pugnacity may cut it judging on how I’m talking now, but no, I’m tired from those. This is the kind of drunken stupor you get when you’re down, down, right down where there’s nothing left to fall and nothing to cushion the heart-led fell because it all happened too fast. And, you’re left with nothing, nothing at all.

I have sworn never to post lovingly sick or weepy details of anything that has to do with affairs of the heart, at least I try to do it with discretion, because it’s just too common hackneyed for it’s own good, and I will stick to it, just keeping the last of my fading away principles. But I guess, the ring isn’t mine to keep, so is your heart.

也发现，自己很佩服勇敢的女生。

佩服那些肯抛下面子，不怕任何困难的女生。

那些愿意追求幸福的女生。

那些为爱付出，不求回报的女生。

因为自己总觉得自己不能跟他们相提并论。

因为知道自己就是那种拉不下脸跟男生表白的女生。

记得有一幕，女主角主动亲吻了男主角。却被拒绝了。

看了我的心都痛。并不是为女主角被拒绝而难过。

只是为女主角感到委屈。她需要多大的勇气啊，才能走到爱的人的面前。

爱情需要勇气.

taken from jayen's blog.

but sometimes, all you get for being brave, is more heartaches.

2007-06-16T10:35:00.000+08:00

Is this what happens when the inital euphoria and adrenaline rush die down? Is this all I'm left with.

I'm alright.

audio: be without you, mary j.blige

2007-06-13T10:32:00.000+08:00

Intoxicated eyes
No long live that life
You should have learned by now
I'll burn this whole world down
I need some peace of mind
No fear of what's behind
You think you've won this fight
You've only lost your mind

The world's packed with bitches and bastards.
Stop probing into my private space.

2007-06-10T19:06:00.000+08:00

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be my valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
Well be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds

ALLYSSA ; Stories Too Dull To Unfold says:
i'm not fearing her. i'm simply keeing her out of sight for as long as i can. out of sight, out of mind.
Kian hwee..Away from monday- thursday says:
so hw long is tat goin to last?
Kian hwee..Away from monday- thursday says:
for eternity?

good question, who would want to be chained for life when they can break free?

Dearest Bloop,
This is specially for you. I miss you crap loads babe, and it pains me to see you upset and I can do nuts to cheer you up cos I'm pretty much in the same struggle as you. But do know I'll be around to listen as usual or to bitch (i miss bitching sessions). 'Know I've been sending you emo smses without stating the reasons but that's just b'cos I don't want to load you up with my issues when you already have yours to deal with. We need a sit down and rant session bloopo :/ you're like one of the last people who actually understands and won't judge. But alas, I'm really glad you've him and your bestie around to make life more bearable. At least i feel better seeing you in a better situation than me, haha. I'm glad I still have you, really I do :) you rock at keeping me sane when I'm feeling like the only bloody insane freak around. You're much loved bloopo :)

2007-06-08T10:44:00.000+08:00

And there's no need to test my heart,
With useless space.
These roads go on forever.
There'll always be a place,
For you,
In my heart.

Stared at the screen for a while, at a blank of where to get around this first. When there's too much to let loose, you find yourself not knowing exactly what to say. Schedule's not been on our side, and I guess you hit a nerve by mentioning neither of us are willing to sacrifice already made plans. It's disheartening and frustrating to initate dates, just to find the other person not having the time to spare. Ironic how our schdelues clash from Sec3 till now.

Don't deny that life's been on the fast lane, with additional sessions on figuring out how life works. Sounds cliche, but true. Identity crisis and angsty's been the highlight of the period. Gone through some pretty traumatic stuff right here in nj. Would have loved to tell you about it, remebering you were my ranting machine and our much missed balcony sessions. But the mind's on a different track 'cos I've been out of your life for so long that it doesn't make sense for me to rant to you anymore. Afraid of threading on the thin line between us, afraid of realising how much you've been missing out on my tracks as I have for yours. Sometimes, I tell myself it's ok, we're moving on, but who can say that easily without hitting a sore note or a least bit of wrenching of the heart. At times I would dig out the letters, notes, whatever small things you gave, just to relive that moment again. Too strong for too long, and I can't be without you baby.

Felt like I've lost you to time and distance and abhore admitting feeling outcasted from yor life as well. It arised right after probation, right up till sec 4, when I found myself again getting envious when you're out with tammmy and co. Childish for me to rack this up at this point, but I had already lived with the mentality you weren't solely mine anymore. Hated to tell you I'm jealous each time I read something about tammy fanny ssica on your old blog, guess I've learnt to let you go since then. I'm not one to fight, 'cos I'm not confident of winning. If I can't be your eveything, why not I be nothing, nothing to you at all.

Had secretly wished you'd come to the same college, where I can finally claim rights over you again but wishes were never meant to be granted. Remembering how you were preoccupied with others during the dec holidays and the nonchalance directed at our choices of colleges just made something die inside. You committed yourself to vj soccer right after holidays start, said you've moved on from the unpleasant memories in stnicks, you never knew I was still at the same spot watching you move on without me. Resigned to asking myself, if the world spins and leaves you with nothing, who would it be to stand right at the same spot as you? Answer used to be obvious, till I reckon I shouldn't stop you from carrying on with life.

It was only after your date with me in nj became a date with becca that I decided I should just give up. Why was I not surprised when the same scenario repeat itself on drama night. I was too apathetic, plainly psychoing the reluctant mind to think you've indeed come for her, not me.

Sound like a desperate lover here, but I look your picture every now and then, just for times when I would like you to be around.

(haha, need serious clarification on the presents part, your bestie's broke half of the time, plus committments elsewhere on someone else. And to be honest, I never did realise I left a page blank in the middle of the slides, human error as a result of doing it late at night perhaps. Or perhaps, space left for you to pen down your appreciations for the pretty slides.)

You know you're worth more to me than a present can say. Much more.

Not sure how much assurances I can provide already, for I'm not lacking in the insecurities area just the same. Frankly, I wouldn't be doing this if you're that replaceable. Company in nj's scarce, to the point where sanity's threatened. Times I regretted not forcing you to come (though it might not have work, but still), times when I bring you up to the people around, just to feel your presence around a little. It sounds strange yes, but I would scroll down to your contacts in my phone and feel the familiar feeling of calling you every night come back, tinged by nostalgia ever so often, sadness to some extent, but it's wearing off.If I were to tell you all about it, would you listen quietly and empathise like before?

So I'll hit the pavement;
It's gotta be better than waiting,
And pushing you far away,
'Cause I'm scared.

Pouring over photographs.
I'm living in your letters.
Breathe,
Deeply from this envelope.
It smells like you,
And I can't be,
Without that scent;
It's filling me,
With all you mean to me.
To me.

Guess those lines say it all. Hate to go into mushy weepy details of the i-miss-you process, but reckon, those will be enough for you to understand. Just so you know you're important here.

Shall look forward to see you on pop, demand your presence no matter how jetlag you might be.

Love.

2007-06-07T21:31:00.000+08:00

I think I'm drowning
Asphyxiated
I want to break the spell
That you've created

I know I was suppose to blog here a while ago. Guess I never got around to it. Our schedules are fairly disastrous, to be fair, neither of us were willing enough to sacrifice already made plans for one another.

And I guess you know by now, how much I miss you. Maybe you wonder why I don't mention it on my blog, like my random musings of others, but you know if you miss someone all the time... it doesnt make sense for one to blog about it anymore. I guess I'm getting used to this empty feeling & hopefully one day it wont ache anymore but for now, it still does.

Hurrr. I sound so mushly emo. Tsk. Alright, thats all for the mushy stuff, overdoing that makes me cringe & casts me as a overposessive (well at the rate I'm ranting, lover might cut it too but no thank you) friend.

I breezed by your 104 entries... hahah was tearing ah. Like you, got the same sense of nostalgia. Rubbishy man. I guess I forgot how much time we used to spend with each other, how much we use to tell each other about most everything, even random things man. Incredibly nonsensical to the max. Havent been back to my own blog archives for good reason, had a more narower perspective as a kid during sec3-4. Sides, you know why too hmmm, too many heartaches for far too often silly a reason.

I'm not sure how long can the test of friendship withstand time. I won't rant here how much I feel its a one-sided thing, or how sometimes I get jealous of aiwei (no offence intended really.) cause I understand that life goes on, and that one must move on. Regardless if we like it or not.

Remember the slideshow you made for me in sec 4?

I never got to tell you why I kept wondering you left a blank slide in the middle of it. & how it was the most incredible-st sweetest thing you have done for me.

I held grudes too hahah. Birthday presents that you never got, valentines, christmas. What can I say? I guess I hoped I meant enough for you to get me something, anything even, but never had the courage to tell you. Materialisation of how you felt for me as validity of my worth.

Nothing matters much more now. Does it?

I'm disappointed in myself, too caught up in my own life in the fast lane to make time/ effort for your birthday present, but justified my excuses with the fact that you didnt bother in the past either. Cel was right in this point, I should never make my friends stand up to my own expectations of myself. Maybe I've failed yours too & never realised it.

We havent talked for ages.
& I have truckloads to say.

I hate begging for free time to call. I hate arranging and rearranging for dates to go out. I hate the fact that msn earlier was disastrous & I got pissed off at you. I hate how one-sided this is. I hate being emotional about you. I hate how you never call, never initiate conversations on msn. I hate losing my pride in trying to get you back. I hate my insecurities when it comes to you. I hate the fact I'm crying now, typing this.

In case you're wondering, hmm, no this aint pms-ing, neither is this a spur of the moment. It's a six month long pent up post. & whilst the tone is pretty emotional, am in a extremely apathetic mood by now.

You know. I save every other thing you message. Lol.

I guess, I need to sort things out myself on my end.
I know you love me, so very occasionally when you think about me? I'm actually amused when I say this, please pardon the bitter and sarcastic phrasing. I reckon you'll be super pissed off when you see this though oops. Pretty sure I screwed up the friendship by saying all this, well and decent, but hmmm a quick death is always better than the slow one I'm going through now.

Leaving others to wonder who this is, cause am obviously not Sa
& if you my dear, fail to recognise, then I've absolutely nothing left to say.

Delete this if you want, messaging you to tell you to check first anyway.
For tonight, I made my point already.

Love. As always.
Till later senorita;

You're something beautiful

A contradiction

I'll never let you go

If you promise not to fade away

2007-06-05T09:19:00.000+08:00

So turn
Up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away.

Addiction's wearing off as much as I wish to think otherwise. Prove me wrong, for I'm tired of doing it for you. Save the sighs and move along, just to show me you care.

2007-06-04T21:08:00.000+08:00

I would need to be held at gunpoint to post something like that in the previous entry. Too happy for my liking :)

2007-05-31T11:17:00.000+08:00

lalalalalala~ happy post happy post. oh well. i'm retarded. haha. R-E-T-A-R-D-E-D! YAY!. haha. finally i manage to spell it correctly. hahas. the last time i spelt it as L-E-T-A-R-T-E-D. haha. hmm, life hasnt been smooth for me, quite boring everyday, but thank god, i've a ultra nice guy beside me to help me cope with it. and yea, he's an ultra super nice guy. haha, he's so intelligent, so we complement each other cos i'm the letarted one. yar. er. did i spell it correctly? nvm. how i wished i could be as clever as him. and i love my mirror, i would sometime stare into it for the whole day, like i'm sucked into it. and when my boy looks at me, you know, I WONT EVEN KNOW. wahahaha. it takes me mins to realise he's gone. den i'll frantically look for him. and when i'm abt to cry, he would just appear before me. haha. so nice. and you know, i sneeze in *****, i cant sneeze just once. haha. so funny right. ahhchoo, yar. ahhchoo. there you go. haha. that's all bah. i guess my mind's smoking alr. i think too much. k bah. later everyone!

-letarted sa-

2007-05-16T23:54:00.000+08:00

“ I saw a girl complaining that the pain of not being seen was unbearable. I saw the mother lying in bed in her long flowing robes. Then the girl pulled put a sharp sword and told her mother, “ Then you must die the death of a thousand cuts. It’s the only way to save you.” The mother accepted this and closed her eyes. The sword came down and sliced back and forth, up and down, whish! Whish! Whish! And the mother screamed and shouted, cried out in terror and pain. But when she opened her eyes, she saw no blood, no shredded flesh. The girl said, “Do you see now?” The mother nodded, “ Now I have perfect understanding. I have already experienced the worst. After this, there is no worse possible thing.” And the daughter said, “Now you must come back, to the other side. Then you can see why you were wrong.”
And the girl grabbed her mother’s hand and pulled her through the wall.”

I like it. So get out of here if you don’t.
Pardon the brazen attitude, for the fleeting sanity’s been grated on too much. Life’s been so funny that I can’t stop laughing, but laughing hurts.

audio step : avril lavigne, innocence.

So I’m on hiatus, till I find a reason to come back.

2007-04-29T21:43:00.000+08:00

i'm regretting. and it sucks to know i'm feeling this way cos i thought i had been right about staying. it sucks to realise this is not what i've been wanting.

i'm caught up in the same cycle all over again.

the number 100 post.

2007-03-30T21:37:00.000+08:00

THANK YOU EX 07S18 FOR ALL THE SWEET THINGS YOU ALL HAVE DONE FOR ME ON MY BIRTHDAY THIS YEAR :)

i won't forget the unique icecream cake, the birthday song, the presents. and most of all the wonderful company. you all make 280307 a memorable day and make me feel spoilt and loved :)

I LOVE ALL OF YOU! :DDDDDDDDDD

i think i need to restore my links and tagboard.

2007-03-16T13:29:00.000+08:00

Couldn’t take the blame, Sick with shame.
Must be exhausting to lose your own game.
Selfishly hated, No wonder you’re jaded,
You can’t play the victim this time. And you're too late.

caught up in a perverse state of paranoia,
and there's not another time i had felt this way.
struggling to get out, but you still linger, bitterly entwining the last bit of sanity.
one by one you win 'em over, like mindless pieces manipulated by your schemes,
deceived, concealed, with a coat of pure white innocence. it's in you to blind the eyes of the stupid multitude, they fall at your feet and you are the conqueror. isnt it just so easy for you?

you know, i know. silence says it all.

2007-02-26T21:58:00.000+08:00

when one plus one no longer equals to two, and the story of newton discovering the law of gravitiy after getting hit by an apple falling from a tree turns out to be total baloney, you start to realise you're drifting further and further away from childhood. all that you used to believe in when you were young are being disputed, overturned, given a new facade.
we're being taught the wrong things in order for us to learn the right concepts.
now i understand what it means. well, mulling over such stuff makes me just wanna remain as a kid. at least i'm armed with the necessary mentality to accept more of such stuff now. who knows one day someone will be telling me that cinderella did not really live happily ever after and instead became a world weary crone. so tell me about it.

whenever someone says " i don't believe in fairies,"
a little fairy from a corner of the earth will fall from the sky and die
so,
i believe in fairies : )

2007-02-24T13:54:00.000+08:00

So you buried all your lovers clothes
And burned the letters Lover wrote
But it doesn't make it any better
Does it make it any better?
And the plaster dented from your fist
In the hall where you had your first kiss
Reminds you that the memories will fade

what do you do, when you're too spoilt for choices?
i need to learn to say no.
but when i do, how come no one seems to care?

sometimes, i just want to remain unknown.

2007-02-20T11:11:00.000+08:00

say, what would you do if one day i'm gone?

and yes, i have found a new reason to stop going on hiatus :)

2007-02-17T23:23:00.000+08:00

new year, new life, new resolutions.

its been a week, but i guess i never really changed.

so much for being a rebound, now i don't mind at all.

just wondering if your answer would still be same?

oh well, i guess 3 cups of red wine and a mug of beer is really getting into my head.
ciao.

2006-12-18T13:18:00.000+08:00

so we entered heaven to accept our fate
and to sum it up baby
it was great
its not often that im sick of life
but its alright
its alright

i just want to die.

2006-12-13T19:14:00.000+08:00

velvet underground is way cool. so are black suede blazers.

when I come to the club, step aside
pop the seats, go behind me in the lines
V.I.P. cause you know I gotta shine

2006-12-12T17:13:00.000+08:00

I am having a really bad impression of modeling agencies now. Forget about the actual auditions, the paperworks are enough. If you survive, the next ordeal would be to stand gurarded against haughty stares above dainty little noses and occasional smiles, not of anything but mocking disdain, skillfully peppered with just the right amount of saccharine. You can always return them the same look if confidence allowed. Sounds good doesn't it? If again your survival skills prove to be adequate, you will find yourself in a sparsely furnished little office with advertisement posters adorning the entire space of the four walls like some kind of prized victory item. The fashionistic slyph positioned herself in such a way that make you feel zilch comfort and you fight the sight of her low V every now and then. Unfortunately (or is it fortunate?), you have to bear with the sight of her lace black bra once in a while. Hmm, how distracting. She gabbed in a monotonous but professional tone and all you can say, or need to say, was okay and nod your head obediently like a three year old. By the way she looked at you, you would probably think she has x-ray vision and scrutinizing every inch of your assets and cross examining it against the figures you gave. Honestly, I have no idea of my vital statics. Is 32 for a derriere too big? Having extinguished every interest in you, she tries to persuade you indirectly to make a professional portfolio which in fact, doesn't guarantee any further money making opportunities. Finally, she sends you out and you sit facing the two receptionists and start reading an interesting article on how to have better sex. Neat.

Anyway, bugis market was a place to hunt for affordable and unique treasures. Had a real headache choosing between NEW HUMAN and INDEPENDENT (tribute to becca). But I swear the sales lady was really friendly and indeed generous to give a 5.90 cut on the price for two of new human. It was sure a cool find, and I'm happy :D

I still think aussie babes are hotter than those in Singapore, nat.

2006-12-10T22:24:00.000+08:00

I don't get what some people are trying to hint at, and I have no interest to know.
cos you're already out of my life.

2006-12-08T22:51:00.000+08:00

bridal model?
go figure.