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Sunday, July 13, 2008 @ 1:48:00 PM almostserious.blogspot.com it's been long. Saturday, March 29, 2008 @ 11:50:00 AM  tuesday. rain, grandstand, music, memories.  wednesday. so hang me.  thursday. day of the living dead. rabbits are <3  friday. eggtart with face.        friday. a series of random events. thankyou, to all who bothered, cared and remembered, from one day before to the last minute of it. & sorry g, sorry for making you cancel that grand dinner plan and reservations and others who had already set time aside for me. <3 'cause I can't live if you're not happy I can't live if you cry but I can live without you if it makes you smile an amazing illusion is made with trick photography it seems like you're really, you're really it feels like you're really here. Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 9:42:00 PM          I miss 4Diligence balcony. I remember owning it with Bestie. The viewing gallery and balcony were ours, places to hide when you don't want to see certain things and just a quiet moment to yourself. I remember my birthday celebrations at the balcony, hiding in a corner with the others because we weren't allowed to stay in class for recess, and with our dearest monitor and prefect friend skipping recess duty. I remember listening to dollie sing ever so often, goofy's unconscious retardedness and being a fish in the house wanting to be promoted to a mermaid. I remember polishing boots every thursday and many a times starting my boots on fire in a hopeless attempt at getting it to shine. I remember mugging notes on road safety taken from the basic driving theory book. I remember setting the crime prevention test with partner. I remember loving my squad but not knowing how to balance between disciplining them and getting too close. I remember trying to change things. I remember walking out from my own squad during drills with En. I remember 03 food&funfair, 05 Fiesta, I remember loving blue house. I remember reporting to mrs tan and mrs koh almost everyday for my atrociously low belt, and how my most loved purple ear sticks being confiscated by a prefect I hated called amanda. Most of all, I remember being happy, very happy, once upon a time. what happened? what exactly happened? Friday, March 21, 2008 @ 3:45:00 PM edit/  & don't we all wish those smiles never fade? "One day, I'll marry a man whom I oblige myself to love. He and I will end up finding a way of dreaming of a future together: a house in the country, children, our children's future. We'll barely talk. I will force myself to accept the situation, and I will wonder what's wrong with me, because he no longer takes any interest in me, ignores me, and doesn nothing but talk about his friends, as if they were his real world. When the marriage is just about to fall apart, I'll get pregnant. We'll have a child, feel closer to each other for a while, and then the situation will go back to what it was before. I will put on weight and I will start to go on diets, systematically defeated each day, each week, by the weight that keeps creeping up regardless of the controls I put on it. At that point, I'll take those magic pills that stop you feeling depressed, then I'll have a few more children and tell everyone that the children are my reasons for living, when reality my life is their reason for living. People will always consider us a happy couple, and no one will know how much solitude, bitterness and resignation lies beneath the surface happiness. Until one day, when my husband takes a lover for the first time and I will perhaps kick up a fuss or think again of killing myself. By then, though, I will be too old and cowardly, with two or three children who need my help, and I'll have to bring them up and help them find a place in the world before I can just abandone everything. I won't commit suicide: I'll make a scene, I'll threaten to leave and take the children with me. Like all men, my husband will back down, he'll tell me he loves me and that it won't happen again. It won't even occur to him that, if I really decide to leave, my only option would be to go back to my parents' house and stay there for the rest of my life, forced to listen to my mother going on and on about how I lost my one opportunity for being happy, that he was a wonderful husband despite his peccadillos, that my two children will be traumatised by the separation. Two or three years later, another woman will appear in his life. I will find out - because I saw them, or because someone told me - but this time I'll pretend I don't know. I used up all my energy fighting against that other lover, I've no energy left, it's best to accept life as it really is, and not as I imagined it to be. He will continue being a considerate husband, I will continue my job, reading books I never quite manage to finish, watching television programms that are the same as they were ten, twenty, fifty years ago. After that, it's a matter of waiting for the children to grow up and of spending all day thinking of suicide, without the courage to do anything about it, One fine day I'll reach the conclusion that that's what life is like, there's no point in worrying about it, nothing will change. And I'll accept it." At the end of the day, nothing matters, no one matters. There's nothing to believe in. I guess I saw too perfect a world, too perfect a situation in everything. I forgot everyone's selfish. Who genuinely cares about who? Or is it that whoever moves on faster and easier is the smarter one. Stubborn and naive, that's all my own problem I guess. & nobody will actually care enough to do anything for long because we are afterall selfish people seeking better lives for ourselves, and no, we will never stop our pace in life for another person, no matter how convincing the "I will always be there for you" sounds. I suppose my life doesn't bother yours anymore, though it isn't true for the reverse. It doesn't matter to anyone, it doesn't affect anyone. At the end of the day only I'd understand how it feels like, because it mattered too much to me. Sometimes, it's not about not knowing how to let go. It's about holding on to who or what really matters to you. Call me stupid, I guess I am. Nothing really matters now you know? This emptiness of neither wanting to live nor die because everything that mattered to you has slipped away and you don't know who you are or what you're wasting your energy on each single day. You spend your days fantasizing of alternative realities and living in your world, isolating yourself from the Common World by choice. It doesn't matter anymore. You do strange things just for that instant gratification and slight adrenaline rush to prove you're still existential, like getting nerdy ugly spectacles and concocting a plan to bump into sharon phua just to have a conversation/ confrontation with her, taking another route home, sleeping cowered up in a corner of your room behind the curtains, insisting on having the air con on the bus blow at you until your hands go numb, popping gastric pains pills because you choose not to eat and feel and rather feel the pain. You realise nothing, absolutely nothing matters except that one thing which you can never have, and that leaves you feeling completely powerless, helpless, vulnerable. I bet you don't know how bad it gets, that sometimes I close my eyes and wish everything will be back to how it was when I open them. 有些人，是你永远都放不下的。 Friday, March 14, 2008 @ 7:17:00 PM 很久以前如果我们 爱下去会怎样 最后一次相信地久天长 曾在你温暖手掌 Fourteenmarch. I miss. @ 11:47:00 AM 能不能再听一次你说爱我 回到还在你怀里的时候 能不能让我再一次拥有 曾属于我的温柔 那伤心，原来没有时差。 Tuesday, March 11, 2008 @ 7:31:00 PM Everything is fated. Thanks for peeling the scab off an unhealed wound. Saturday, March 08, 2008 @ 6:42:00 PM When you go Would you even turn to say "I don't love you Like I did Yesterday" So say goodbye to the last parade, walk away from the choice you’ve made. And say goodnight to the heart you break. I said, we'll drown ourselves in misery tonight. Friday, March 07, 2008 @ 9:21:00 PM I'm fucking fed up and confused with everything. I don't know what I want anymore and I don't know how to face myself and those bloody fucking feelings. I get frustrated with myself and with all the pretense I put up. It's not you, it's me. I fucking can't move on with my bloody life and there's nothing I can do anymore 'cos I've tried everything and nothing worked. I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone but there's just too much that time cannot erase. I hate being so vulnerable, abhor each tear that trickled down, detest every slightest hint of that aching in the heart. I don't know why it still bothers me, I don't know why I still give so much of a damn about everything. I don't know why you still matter to me. Everyday it seems like I'm preparing for a mental war the moment I step into school and I'm tired of plastering on a smile to make you think I'm happy now. Life doesn't become better without you you know, there's a bitterness and void that can't be filled, everything was done for your sake - So you won't worry anymore, so you can finally go enjoy that kind of life you want, without me. But now I get so confused that I don't even know what I want. I don't know what else to do. I don't. I still can't move you outta my mind. So pardon me, forgive me, I miss you. utter rubbish, don't even bother translating it to read. Thursday, March 06, 2008 @ 8:54:00 PM I'm starting to believe everything is fated. It's fated that po and I decide on chicken briyani instead of western stall. It's fated that po suggested trying something new and sat at the other side of the canteen for the first time in my nj life. It's fated that I happened to glance over at the hockey pitch and saw you walking to the mimosa place. I wouldn't have seen anything if we had bought food from western stall and sat at the usual side of the canteen. It's also fated that at that moment I can't help but feel a familiar ache. & For the first time after so long, I wished that dream would come true. Even though going on with you gone still upsets me There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok But that’s not what gets me What hurts the most Was being so close And having so much to say And watching you walk away And never knowing What could have been And not seeing that loving you Is what I was tryin’ to do. Tuesday, March 04, 2008 @ 7:02:00 PM Take my hand away Spell it out Tell me I was wrong Tell me I was wrong I dreamt of you saying you were coming back. I didn't feel happy, nor sad. Just empty. Because I will never get what I want, it's always like that. Did the 10 months really happen or was it my imagination? Because, it feels like you were never once mine. Sunday, March 02, 2008 @ 1:51:00 PM    awesome. now you know my fetish for lights, because photography is afterall, light-writing. Thursday, February 28, 2008 @ 6:23:00 PM       Saturday, February 23, 2008 @ 11:30:00 AM okay, that's it. i think i'm really going a bit cranky. @ 10:38:00 AM Because these days aren't easy like they have been once before. These days aren't easy anymore. And life just passes by so carelessly. "It doesn't matter what you do or what you don't do, because he's not here anymore, and you're all alone. You're all alone." -P.S. I Love You. Wrap me up in a dream with you Close up these eyes, try not to cry All that I've got to pull me through is memories of you. yeah, one day i'll go watch the movie again. Saturday, February 16, 2008 @ 12:52:00 PM               we should treasure things while we can 'cos, many things happen only once in our lives. Tuesday, February 12, 2008 @ 11:22:00 PM We built it up, To watch it fall. Like we meant nothing at all. I gave and gave the best of me, But couldn't give you what you need. You walked away, You stole my life, Just to find what you're looking for. But no matter how I try, I can't hate you anymore. There's only so many tears that you can cry before it drains the light right from your eyes, and I can't go on that way, so I'm letting go of everything we were. Sunday, February 10, 2008 @ 12:14:00 PM No repetition of history; no drama; no getting too close this time round. Because I can't give you much and neither can you. So, let's not even try. I know how it will end anyway. We are, afterall, random people in each other's lives. You leave your trouble at the door I feel we don't know what we're fighting for Thursday, February 07, 2008 @ 2:14:00 PM Wednesday, February 06, 2008 @ 11:46:00 PM We tell white lies, to make things a little easier for people to handle. Lung cancer, terminal stage; speechless. well you'd like to think that you were invincible yeah, well weren't we all once before we felt lost for the first time? 5 glasses of red wine; I guess I drank too much. Head's spinning and nearly crashed into the fishtank. But damn, I'm troubled.         aiweipolieohsan. lurrrrrb. so you've changed everything possible, but is there really a need to. why do superficiality? |